Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
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Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.