It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on