“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
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Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
(yawn)
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you