7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.