nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
plums roundup
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Lmfaoooooo
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict