Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
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GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses