Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
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I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Tuesday
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now