I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
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I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.