My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
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Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I hate when that happens.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
*bites zombie*
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me