5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
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Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
is this a warning or an offer?
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.