Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
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Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery