shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy