could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
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Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia