[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Very good news from my accountant
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room