I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
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I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?