I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
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According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?