So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Can. I. Help. You.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”