My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away