Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
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1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Squirrels before girls.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good