Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Happens to everyone.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there