Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
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People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.