Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
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If you know, you know 😂🚔
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.