Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
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[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Please do it!
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Jogging
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
We all have our pet causes.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”