Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
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[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Ummm
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.