*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
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He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.