Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
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I am laughing way too hard at this.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.