My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
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“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t