Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”