Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
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just left a huge legacy in there
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys