Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
o shit
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*