“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
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oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I beg your pardon?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I think I’m having a stroke
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.