[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
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ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.