To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
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damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.