My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
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bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now