Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
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STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.