got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)