Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
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wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Would you wear it?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
If looks could kill
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another