My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
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Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day