A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”