‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
You Might Also Like
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I need to get some bricks…
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad