The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
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Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
this is the best day of my life
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”