The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
You Might Also Like
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
How do you milk an almond?