Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
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The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live