lol
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Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I’d hang this in my house.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Oh hi lol