Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
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Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
6. me as a lawyer
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
*pronounces patio like ratio
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day