5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
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My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
As the Lord intended
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭