my retirement plan is braless
You Might Also Like
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
worst…sale…ever
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
#parenting
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.