God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.