My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
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I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.