My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
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8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Look at this
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?